We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
