ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
