I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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