We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize