I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
