Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
