She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Your cock deserves a montage
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
