I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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