i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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