He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
