I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
