you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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