just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
