The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
