Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just blew my weed a kiss
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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