there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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