This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
