I hope mine doesn't look like that
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She needs sedatives and a leash
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
