Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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