I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
