there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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