think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
