He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
