officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
