Your mouth is God's brothel.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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