I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
