Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
