Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize