Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
