Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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