she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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