I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just found puke in my bra..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
