im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
