college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
