Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
