so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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