I want you more than these girls want KFC
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
