his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
