I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
