I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
