A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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