is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
