Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
