I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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