yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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