Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize