in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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