So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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