I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
