Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
