I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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