Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
