i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My penis needs a shock collar
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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