I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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