I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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