The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
