Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
